Son Owen and I were on a donut run this morning when I told him his babysitter, Molly, was coming over later. “Which Molly?”  he asked. (He has a cousin named Molly, too.) “Molly Smith,” I replied “Why is her name Molly Smith?” he asked.

An answer like, “because of the patrilineal traditions that prevail in 21st century Western society,” was not going to go down with a three-year-old. But how to boil down to his level the question that is the crux of this whole blog endeavor? I started to say, “that’s her dad’s name,” but realized that would simply reinforce those patriarchal traditions that we are trying to balance with our family name choice and me with this blog.

“That’s what her parents decided,” I answered. But my belief is that few parents DO make an active decision about their children’s surname in favor of doing the easy and expected. This 2000 Salon.com article by Carol Lloyd explores the question, but a solid answer is still elusive.

Owen, I’ll have to get back to you on that. Or maybe, if we succeed in teaching the lesson, you’ll be asking it of yourself when it’s your time to be a dad.

Both kids went to the doctor today. Owen was complaining of symptoms that screamed “ear infection!” so I called and made an appointment for him when Audrey was still napping. Then she woke up fussy and I figured she might as well have an exam, too, since she’d be along for the ride anyway. So I called back for an appointment for her. It was a prime opportunity for the issue of their two different last names to come up - but it didn’t.

I remember worrying when I was pregnant that this choice would saddle them with the burden of being different or wierd. Granted this was a doctor’s office where professional behavior reigns, not a third grade classroom where teasing is de rigeur, but it was still a relief. And a reminder not to let what other people might think affect parenting decisions, no matter what they are.

From left: Husband and dad Michael Owen Henderson, daughter and sister Audrey Henderson Noga, wife and mother Cari Lynn Noga, son and brother Owen Noga Henderson

Or the Henderson-Nogas. Doesn’t matter who’s first, as long as we’re all acknowledged. Who are we? A family of four in the Midwest who have chosen to pass on both parents’ last names to our kids so that both maternal and paternal heritages are preserved and recognized.