My paternal grandma died Thursday at the age of 90. At my mom’s request, I just wrote her obituary. Very strange feeling to use the past tense about her. Also to realize how little I knew about her. She and my grandpa did the snowbird thing from the time I was pretty young, and were living full-time in Florida by the time I was 13, so I didn’t know her well.

My best memories of her were of the genuine, from-scratch coconut cakes she made for my birthday. It was an all-day project, grating the coconuts and inserting toothpicks to hold the fragile layers together. Then you always had to be careful to take out the toothpicks before taking a bite.

She was my last living grandparent, so losing her makes me feel old.  Now my brother is also my only biological connection to my dad.  I know that technically our kids are, but it doesn’t feel that way, maybe because they were born after he died. All in all, the last few days I’ve just had a wierd feeling of NOT feeling much emotionally, yet still aware I’m impacted.

Another half-n-half family: Mom, dad and two kids, one with mom’s last name and one with dad’s! It’s writer Lenore Skenazy, who made headlines a year ago when she let her then-9-year-old son ride home alone on a NYC subway. She’s just out with a book, Free Range Kids. While I haven’t (yet) read it, I embrace her concept in theory (with a 3-year-old it’s stuff like letting him play in the sandbox alone in the backyard, or ride his bike on the driveway while I fix lunch or change Audrey or do whatever short task inside) so I’m all the more thrilled to discover she evidently also believes that matrilineal matters.

Here’s a link to the AP story and photo with her husband and two kids, where I deduced the matrilineal connection.

A week ago I sent a note to friends and family about this blog. Within 48 hours of each other, two people e-mailed polar opposite reactions. Oddly enough, considering this whole thing is about names, they share one. Since neither chose to comment publicly, I’ll preserve their privacy with a pseudonym of Kelly.

Kelly No. 1 said while it was “commendable” that I wanted to honor my father’s name, “I think it will be very confusing for your kids the way you have named them.  Why not both of them be Noga (middle) and Henderson (last).”

Kelly No. 2 wrote from Italy, where apparently women cannot take their husband’s names. She’s also coming up on her 25th high school reunion and is “baffled” that all her former classmates who married have abandoned their own names: “When I saw that you’d given you daughter your last name, I was thrilled.  You and Mike have made a wise decision.  People will adjust.  And I hope you’ve started a new trend.”

Obviously, I’m with Kelly No. 2. But Kelly No. 1’s “confusing” comment deserves to be addressed. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it. And I have multiple reactions.

• First, I think it reinforces my point that matrilineage needs intentional support. No one suggested our son might be confused because he and I had different last names. So why should our daughter be confused because hers and her dad’s are different? My husband has not shared a name with his mother for 30 years, since her remarriage. “I’m not confused about who my mom is,” he says.
• Second, I think it’s wrong, since our kids will be raised with this as the norm. Yes, it’s different, but I don’t believe that’s confusing.
• Third, the way things work now, opposite-sex siblings can expect to have different names, usually when the girl gets married. We’re just ahead of the game.

But I could be wrong. Maybe they will be confused. To that I say this: It’s still worth it. Choosing something meaningful is more important than going with convention because it’s easy and convenient. That’s a lesson we’ll make crystal clear.